The trick for me is that most sex ed, and most artist representations of sex acts focus on cishet people. Sometimes, especially when it comes to sexual education books or articles, there will be a little nod to the information being applicable to same sex couples but in general the information is delivered with cisgender bodies and heterosexual couples in mind.
In a lot of ways this is a problem for me because the number of cishet people I've written about is exactly zero. Sometimes though I can just tweak the information a little bit and let my imagination do the rest. Still it's nice to have some research to use that at least acknowledges the existence of people like me and the characters I write about.
Here is a, in no way comprehensive, list of some of the resources I use that don't assume that the people having sex with nessisarily be cishet.
The Sex Advice/Tips section of Early To Bed, Good Vibrations, and Babeland:
These three women owned, queer positive sex toy stores are great places not just to find interesting toys but also sex advice.
A lot of these articles will still assume that the sex is happening between one cisgender woman and one cisgender man. BUT there is a lot more awareness that not every couple that fit into the cisgender man+ woman mold is heterosexual. Plus there are just a lot more articles about same sex couples and/or non-cisgender people.
Early to Bed Sex Advice
Good Vibrations Sexual Education Resources
Babeland Sex Info
Here you can find some great sex tips for trans women and their partners, articles on pegging or female ejaculation, strap-ons and packing, tips for choosing and using cock rings or dental dams, and lots more. These are some great research tools.
What I've also found helpful are sex blogs and sex toy reviewers, with my very favorite being ...
Oh Joy Sex Toy by Erika Moen:
Oh Joy Sex Toy is probably the cutest sex toy/sex ed blog ever not just because it is smart and well written but because it is also completely in comic form. For people like me who love comics and sex it's a dream come true.
Erika has a lot of sex toy reviews on Oh Joy Sex Toy but also some great comics on things like sexting, internal condoms, oral sex tips, hooking up online/dirty chatting and much more. On top of that she's had some great guest comics on rope bondage, DIY BDSM gear, strap-ons, the history of vibrators along with other great stuff.
One of the things I particularly love about Oh Joy Sex Toy is that Erika illustrates each comic with models that are very much NOT all thin, able, cisgender people, and a diverse range of couples. Although both she and her husband are cisgender Oh Joy Sex Toy does indeed focus on a wide variety of people enjoying a wide variety of sexual activities which I think is how it should be.
Porn is one of those things I see a lot of people giggling about using as research or 'research' for sex scene but not actually discussing as a serious research tool for romance and erotica writers.
I personal think there are some benefits and drawbacks to using porn as part of research for romance and erotica sex. The most obvious drawback being that porn is pretty much the visual version of what at lot of us write. That means it depicts a fantasy with characters that often do not accurately represent the ways sex goes down in my or (probably) your bedroom.
On the other hand I do think there are benefits to using porn as a research tool. Much like I read other people's romance and erotica so I can write better romance and erotica I think it can be helpful to see how other artists and performers incorporate certain acts or scenarios into their sexual fantasy scenes.
Often I'll find myself finishing up an sex ed article and thinking to myself "I understand how this physically works and how to do it safely, but what would it be like to actually incorporate it into a night of dirty fucking?" Which is where I think porn (or erotica or hands-on experimentation) can be helpful.
Yet again though the porn world is full of cishet people and light on everyone else. Also mainstream gay porn isn't going to help you write that strap-on scene starring a cisgender lady, trans man and their non-binary partner. Need to see two butch lesbians fist each other, rope bondage starring fat and plus sized queer women, three hot trans dykes make out, cute trans guys do some incest themed role play, two bears cuddle, a trans guy fuck his hot cisgender roommate on the couch?
Well I have the recs for you.
Pink & White Productions:
Pink & White Productions is best known for the groundbreaking, award-winning The Crash Pad Series. The Crash Pad Series is first and formost porn made by and for queer women. With 176 episodes and counting though the Crash Pad Series has long since branched out to cover all different aspects of queer identity and sexuality. It's gorgeous, it's indie, it's fair trade, you can watch clips of performers talking in really honest and open ways about making each and every episode. Safer sex supplies are used, consent is taken seriously and often on screen. More than that though Crash Pad is hot, hot, hot. I have never once regretted my membership.
I would especially recommend The Crash Pad's Guide to Fisting which is part sex ed on the finer details of fisting and part hot, steamy porn between two gorgeous women.
The Crash Pad Series is far from the only great porn Pink & White has to offer.
Along with a variety of great full length films Pink & White also have another series, Heavenly Spire, that focuses on alternative representations of masculinity.
Also check out PinkLabel.tv, a porn streaming site set up by the folks behind Pink & White specifically to get indie, fair-trade, queer and feminist porn out there. It carries everything from full length films, to episodes, to short clips, gay porn, lesbian porn, queer porn, and even some alternative cishet.
FTM Fucker is fair-trade, queer porn all the about trans guys fucking male partners, female partners and non-binary partners.
There is kinky scenes, hot masturbation scenes, a unicorn themed gangbang, and a gorgeous episode about magic and fae that includes themes of ambiguous consent, dream space, and knife play.
Doing It Online:
Doing It Online is a queer, fair-trade porn site focusing on trans women. Founded by the incredible Tobi Hill-Meyer Doing It Online focuses on a wide array of queer trans women having incredible sex with each other. Doing It Online is specifically porn by trans women for trans women and works hard to portray trans female sexualities without fetishizing them.
Doing It Online is a new site but I have high hopes for it since Tobi Hill-Meyer's earlier queer trans women porn film, Doing It Ourselves, is one of the hottest porn films I've ever seen, bar none. Seriously, if you love lesbian porn get your hands on this film, you will not be sorry.
TroubleFilms and Indie Porn Revolution:
non-binary, genderqueer, femme Courtney Trouble is a legend in the queer porn industry both a producer and performer. TroubleFilms is their independent queer porn company, also partnered with both FTM Fuckers and Doing It Online.
So these are some of my recommendations for writing sex as a queer romance or erotica author. What sites/books/videos/resources do you recommend?